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I’m back, bitches.

7 Sep

Dear Mother Fuckers,

I’m back. And I had a baby.

That’s right. The queen procreated. And the baby is awesome.

He’s a sugary little lump of boy and I’m about 90 percent certain he’s made of marshmallow fluff (the kind without gelatin).

But anyway, I’ve missed the ever-loving stuffing out of this blog. And my goal is to start writing to it again.

Actually, the goal was to keep track of my weird pregnancy food stuff. But my kid is nearly seven months old now. Oops. Being a mom is rather time consuming.

However, I did keep a pregnancy diary. And every now and again I’d write about food. So here’s one of my insane pregnancy food experiences. Enjoy.


The Baby of Awesome, the Dog of Awesome, and Me

The Baby of Awesome, the Dog of Awesome, and Me


14 Weeks and 3 Days Pregnant

Hi, I’m [the Queen of Awesome] and I’m a hormonal mess.

When five year-old [the Queen of Awesome] was asked what her favorite food was, she’d answer, “Quiche!” It was a very strange answer for a tiny Texas girl. But even as a Texas woman, I still love the stuff.

And I’ve been craving it hardcore. So while I was out running errands, I went into a La Madeleine and ordered myself a quiche florentine. I was going to dine on some spinach, egg, and swiss cheese in a flaky crust and I was going to love the fuck out of it.

When my quiche and I got home, there was a problem. It was a quiche lorraine, which means it was full of ham.

My heart sank like a stone. And I had a meltdown. I cried like someone had died.

No joke.  I actually crumpled to the floor sobbing. We’re talking borderline asthma attack anxiety and mental anguish.

The worst part? I was on the phone with my husband when I made my horrible hammy discovery.

Nothing in the world was worse than staring at the one food that I could possibly stomach right now, and I couldn’t eat it.

So how does this story end? Right now, I’m typing this and my darling husband is going to another La Madeleine to order me the proper quiche. He’s coming home to have lunch with me and he’s going to eat the ham monstrosity and I’m going to dine on some spinach, egg, and swiss cheese in a flaky crust.

I love the fuck out of him.


I have mastered cooking popcorn on the stove.

22 May

Popcorn is one of my favorite snacks. Ever since I was a kid, I would eat the microwave variety in between meals.

But I keep hearing and seeing things about dangerous chemicals lurking in the bags. Or how whatever-the-flavoring-is is soaked in death. Is swearing off of microwave popcorn being dramatic?

Who cares? It’s a shit-load cheaper than buying pre-bagged popcorn. Not to mention, I can flavor it however the hell I want to. Cinnamon? Do it. Cayenne pepper? Yes, please. Sea salt? Bring it on.

So if you’re a popcorn lover (as opposed to a popcorn fighter?), here’s the easy way to get popping.

  • In a small pot (don’t you dare ask me what constitutes small, I couldn’t tell a quart from a pint to save my life … let’s say quart), pour in a tablespoon or less of oil. I don’t give a shit what kind of oil you use. I like olive, but you may want to use grape. Just use something that doesn’t burn. What won’t burn? I’m not a real, trained chef. How would I know?
  • Smear it around with whatever spice you want. Then dump in like a tablespoon of popcorn. Don’t do more than two! That crap expands like nuts. Oh, and stir the kernels around in the oil a bit to get them all coated and shiny.
  • Cover the pot with aluminum foil and poke lots of holes in it. You want to keep popcorn from jumping out, but you also want steam to escape. If the steam stays in, you get soggy popcorn. No one likes soggy popcorn.
  • Turn on the heat. My stove gores from 1 (low) to 10 (high). I use 8.
  • LISTEN! It’ll take a minute or two to start popping depending on your stove (mine’s electric, you gas people are on your own). When the kernels start jumping, just move the pot around and shake them all up. That way they won’t burn and stick to the bottom.
  • When it’s done, it’ll stop popping. It won’t take long.

Now enjoy the best popcorn ever. Let me know how it goes.


Don’t advertise almonds and give me peanuts!

1 Feb

One of my absolute favorite snacks is Emerald’s Cocoa Roast Almonds.

I eat them like they’re the last thing I’m ever going to eat. And they’re even better partnered with bananas.

So on set today when I saw the bag of Emerald’s Breakfast On The Go–Chocolate Cherry Blend with Coco Roast Almonds, I about shat myself.

I mean granola, cherries, chocolate, and my favorite almonds! How could this go wrong?

Well, for starters, there were only three … THREE … cocoa roast almonds in the bag. And the mixture was probably 70 percent peanuts.

Not that I have anything against peanuts, but when I’m told I’m getting almonds, don’t give me fucking peanuts. Give me my goddamn almonds.

Is this Trail Mix or a Christmas Special?

I ate french fries for breakfast. Don’t judge me.

14 Dec

I hardly ever eat fast food. After all, I can’t. Being a could-I-stab-it-to-death-atarian sort of puts a virtual stone wall around many fast food eateries.

But that didn’t stop me from tearing into some animal-style fries from In “N’ Out Burger this morning.

“But, Queen of Awesome,” you ask, “how did you get In ‘N’ Out fries so early in the morning?”

Well, my adorable King of Awesome went to the weekly Brewsday Tuesday at the Common Table and decided to get himself a burger on the way home. And since he knows I’m a woman and a french-fry-devouring stereotype (women will always eat your fries; we can’t help it; hunger matters not), he brought me a ooey goey container of the sloppiest, onion-slathered, cheesy fries known to man.

They were so good, I wanted them to be the first thing I ate this morning.

It was the best fucking breakfast I’ve had in a long time, too. I love being a grown up.

You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals.

McDonald’s has a secret menu. Super secret.

14 Nov

I can’t believe I haven’t written about this yet.

A few years ago, I about threw up I was laughing so hard when I heard about the McGangbang at McDonald’s.

It’s a McChicken sandwich inside of a Double Cheeseburger. From top to bottom:

  1. Bread
  2. Sauce/Cheese
  3. Meat
  4. Bread
  5. Sauce
  6. Lettuce
  7. Chicken
  8. Bread
  9. Sauce
  10. Cheese
  11. Meat
  12. Bread

Shoving one sandwich inside of another sandwich and then shoving that into your hole. Count me in, even though I don’t even eat meat. In fact, I just want to watch someone else eat it. Talk about kinky.

There are many accounts of people actually ordering this meaty monstrosity by name … and then the McDonald’s employees actually giving them both sandwiches! (Of course, they must remain diplomatic and don’t recognize that McDonald’s food has been referenced in a crazy sex act.)

Would you try a McGangbang? And if so, will you video your experience and send it to me?

In 'N' Out may have cool secrets, but they'll never have the McGangbang.

It’s popcorn Wednesday.

9 Nov

Up here at the ol’ office, they do a thing called “Popcorn Wednesday.” It’s also known as the best ten minutes of my week.

Because every Wednesday at three o’clock, I hear the delightful pops of the popcorn machine. And since I sit next to the kitchen, I’m always one of the first people in line to grab a box of salty, tasty, happiness.

More companies need to treat their employees with simple treats. It really raises morale and interaction. It’s like social hour over here.

And my little extroverted self loves it.


15 Sep

Everyone’s taste buds change over time. That’s why some of us like stuff we hated as kids or now hate the things we liked as kids.

Perhaps it’s why we can suddenly hate something we liked recently.

Like me with salt and vinegar chips.

I used to really enjoy them. I liked them as recently as a month ago. But I got a sinus infection and while my sense of smell and taste was compromised, the chips tasted like dung to me.

Then when everything was back to normal, I ate one and it still tasted like dung, or the crusty residue underneath a soccer mom’s car’s floor mat.

Did my allergies change my taste for good? Or did aging alter my palette?

Either way, a bag of Pop Chips which once only lasted about two days in my home has now been there for two weeks. And it’ll probably be there another two.

Because I’m not touching them.