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Refreshingly Nothing

7 Apr

I think I’ve mentioned in the past that I’m a BzzAgent. It means I’m a consumer member of a company who provides samples and coupons in exchange for product reviews.

The goal is to incentivize (positive) word-of-mouth marketing in order to sell more products. It’s honest.

The latest product I’ve received, however, isn’t honest at all. Or, rather, it lies by deletion.

Welche’s Refreshingly Simple™ juice proudly boasts in all-caps:

  • NO HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP
  • NO ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS
  • NO ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS

And that all sounds wonderful. However, the listed ingredients are:

  • Filtered Water
  • Sugar
  • Apple Juice Concentrate
  • Grape Juice Concentrate
  • Citric Acid
  • Natural Flavor
  • Mango Juice Concentrate
  • Peach Juice Concentrate
  • Beta Carotene

Here’s the deal about product labels. Ingredients must be listed in order of what is most present to what is least present. Therefore, this product contains more sugar than juice.

I love me some sugar; I don’t deny it. But I like my sugar honest. If these were Welch’s Refreshingly Simple™ Ice Pops, I’d be down. But it’s juice. It’s supposed to be what I give my kid with his breakfast or in the afternoon as a little pick-me-up.

Juice isn’t really healthy in the first place; all of the healthy parts of the fruit get removed. But that doesn’t make it evil. Marketing sugar water as juice, however, is just a fucking lie.

The Blue Box Blues

20 Mar

First off, I can’t believe I actually found this commercial. I fucking love the Internet.

Second, I opened my pantry the other day to see a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese hanging out on the shelf with my polenta, almonds, and various jars of stuff.

I can’t remember the last time I had Kraft Mac & Cheese. Maybe in college? My freshman year is when Easy Mac entered the market. It was billed as a snack, but for Dr. Brew, PhD. and me (who were perpetually poor and always hungry … being 18 and in a dorm will do that to you), that shit was a meal. All we had to do was run down the hall to the community bathrooms, get just the right amount of water, dump it into the plastic Easy Mac cup, microwave, and … probably get some sort of disease. There’s no way it was good for us.

But we ate it all the damn time.

And we’re both still alive.

Anyway, since I’ve become an adult (note: ha!), my palate has become a bit more discriminating, and microwaving plastic scares me to death (although the inside of the microwave is plastic–what the fucking fuck?).

If I’ve eaten macaroni and cheese as of late, it’s been with cream and cheese–not the powdered stuff from a blue box. But truth be told, I haven’t even made macaroni and cheese in years.

So staring at that blue box brought back some fond memories of standing on a stool in my mom’s kitchen. Throwing a dollup of sour cream into the bowl (because Mom says that made it better). And then probably eating the entire box because a kid knows dick about serving size.

Holding the box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese in my hands, I directed a question to the King of Awesome, who had now joined me in the kitchen.

“Why’d you get this?”

“I thought we could treat ourselves,” he answered, followed by a little hug.

It was so cute and so sweet, but I still eyeballed the ingredients on the box fearing what I’d find. But then I decided to relax. One powdered packet of cheese isn’t going to kill me.

Plus, that shit is good.

Colorful food is scary.

16 May

I ate something colorful the other day and giggled at my technicolored tongue until I had the following thought:

What does my stomach look like right now?

It’s something I’ve never wondered before. Sure, it’s all cute and funny when someone’s tongue turns shades of blue, purple, green, and yellow. You know, all of the colors that a healthy tongue shouldn’t be.

And it’s always worth a smile when someone’s fingers get stained orange, pink, or red when eating cheesy chips or crunchy crackers. Because that color takes forever to rub off.

But what about that person’s guts? What do they look like after a staining meal?

Because if a food is capable of staining one’s visible body parts, it can certainly stain the hidden parts as well.

Right?

Although I’ve discovered through various medical shows that guts are supposed to be essentially mauve colored or some shade of pink, I wonder if those multihued human anatomy models we all saw in high school are actually more accurate. At least to someone who tastes the rainbow.

This guy ate waaaay too many M&Ms.

Jack with my eggnog? Now you’ve gone too far!

9 Dec

I love eggnog. The name is gross, but the drink is so good.

And last night, I was going to have my very first holiday sip of delicious, frothy egg nog.

So I got my glass ready. Removed the cinnamon from the cupboard. And pulled the carton of Schepp’s out of my fridge. But something gave me pause.

I held the eggnog carton up the the soft glow of refrigerator light and glanced at the ingredients.

Of the laundry list of included ingredients, only a few resembled what is supposed to go into eggnog.

But the top two invaders … Corn syrup. Then high-fructose corn syrup.

I didn’t want goddamn corn. I wanted goddamn eggnog!

Dejected, I put the carton back into the fridge. I returned my glass back to its proper place in the cupboard. And I placed the cinnamon with the rest of the spices.

My little broken heart then drank some green tea. Although I’m not even sure what’s in that, either.

Stop putting corn in EVERYTHING!

Hoggin’ the Häagen Dazs.

7 Dec

Note: You want to freak out spell check? Correctly type Häagen Dazs.

I’ve mentioned before that I don’t like fake foods. Or fake sugars. Or weird substitutes that get added when fat is removed.

I like real foods. With simple names. And simple ingredients.

Real food.

Despite everything I read about needing to eat less fat this, or needing to eliminate white flour that, or preventing diabetes by eating less sugar what have you, I still eat real butter, real sugar, real milk, real cheese, white bread …

So far, so good. And I plan on raising my kids the same way.

Anyway, when I discovered Häagen Dazs five, I wasn’t sure what to think. Really, only five ingredients? Really?

No sacharine? No corn syrup? No hydrogenated poly-something whatsit-ulose-ips?

Nope. Just the stuff that went into the ice cream my mama used to make. Cream, milk, sugar, flavor, eggs.

It’s the prettiest label you’ll ever see based on the ingredient list alone.

And let me tell you that Häagen Dazs five is de-ee-lic-ci-ous. Yep, five syllables of tasty going on in that little carton.

So far, I’ve had lemon, chocolate, and coffee. And I plan to try them all.

If you’re nice to me, I might share.

You may be five, Häagen Dazs five, but I give you a 10.

You wanna fuck up some fruit?

11 Nov

Then go ninja on its ass. Granted, most fruits don’t have asses—although some peaches do look like butts.

 

Anyway, if you’re a crouching tiger, give Fruit Ninja for the iPhone a try. It’s not as tasty as eating actual fruit, but it seems like a good time waster when you’re waiting in line for your next latte.

It's hard to tell at first, but this is a decapitation.

Jell-O makes me shudder, much like Jell-O does itself.

19 Oct

Ask me what the grossest food imaginable is, and I’d have to tell you it’s Jell-O.

I’d rather drink goat blood than try to stomach Jell-O.

Even in college when my fellow co-eds would slug down shots of the jiggly stuff mixed with tantalizing amounts of alcohol, I could only turn my head and try not to gag.

Because nothing edible should move like Jell-O does. Hell, nothing at all should move like that.

When Bill Cosby was the spokesman for Jell-O, I gave it another shot. Like most kids, I adored Bill Cosby and wanted him as my dad. So I tried to eat a Jell-O Jiggler. And I almost died. It was the worst thing I ever ate (if you could consider spitting it up and rushing to the bathroom eating).

Now when I’m presented with a gyrating mess of Jell-O, I can just tell whomever that I can’t eat the stuff as a vegetarian. “Jell-O comes from gelatin which comes from animals,” I learned to say. Sometimes I’ll add, “And eating animals goes against my religion,” just for insurance (some people would still try to get me to eat the stuff).

The vegetarian/religion defense is the only thing I have, because for some strange reason, most people love Jell-O. And they can’t possibly understand why anyone would have anything against it. “I hate Jell-O,” doesn’t cut it.

WHY!?!

I can’t understand why anyone would want to eat it. It just gets grosser the older I get. In fact, I can’t even consider it food. It looks too much like the gel cubes that keep plants hydrated.

Satan's Bowels