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Refreshingly Nothing

7 Apr

I think I’ve mentioned in the past that I’m a BzzAgent. It means I’m a consumer member of a company who provides samples and coupons in exchange for product reviews.

The goal is to incentivize (positive) word-of-mouth marketing in order to sell more products. It’s honest.

The latest product I’ve received, however, isn’t honest at all. Or, rather, it lies by deletion.

Welche’s Refreshingly Simple™ juice proudly boasts in all-caps:

  • NO HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP
  • NO ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS
  • NO ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS

And that all sounds wonderful. However, the listed ingredients are:

  • Filtered Water
  • Sugar
  • Apple Juice Concentrate
  • Grape Juice Concentrate
  • Citric Acid
  • Natural Flavor
  • Mango Juice Concentrate
  • Peach Juice Concentrate
  • Beta Carotene

Here’s the deal about product labels. Ingredients must be listed in order of what is most present to what is least present. Therefore, this product contains more sugar than juice.

I love me some sugar; I don’t deny it. But I like my sugar honest. If these were Welch’s Refreshingly Simple™ Ice Pops, I’d be down. But it’s juice. It’s supposed to be what I give my kid with his breakfast or in the afternoon as a little pick-me-up.

Juice isn’t really healthy in the first place; all of the healthy parts of the fruit get removed. But that doesn’t make it evil. Marketing sugar water as juice, however, is just a fucking lie.

This isn’t pasta. It’s a hot salad.

25 Sep

“Spaghetti squash is a delicious alternative to traditional pasta!” all of the shitty food blogs have told me.

It’s a lie. A damn dirty lie.

Health nuts (and even a spattering of my friends) are lying to themselves if they think this is true..

I made spaghetti squash the other night. I cooked it in the oven. Seasoned it. Scraped it. Dumped on marinara sauce.

I’m not sure what I was expecting. After all, squash is a goddamn gourd, not a wheat product.

My mouth was primed for pasta. What I got was a mouthful of salad. Hot salad.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t bad. However, most of my life spent eating has been people giving me a plate of sides expecting that to be a full meal (you know, because of the vegetarian thing). So I know what a side dish is even if I’m confused about a main course.

Coincidentally, I’m not the greatest meal planner in the world. I’m not anywhere near the top because I’ve been groomed and programmed to eat nothing but side dishes. I’m gullible; Brussel sprouts is a main dish for me now. However, spaghetti squash as a main course didn’t fool me. Or satisfy me.

This is something that should be served BEFORE you eat your real meal. Or dumped on top of your real meal as a garnish. Or scraped out so you can turn the squash into a jack-o-lantern.

Spaghetti squash is no substitute for pasta. Nothing is.

Pavlov’s Gut Reaction

30 Apr
Image

Quintessential, Trader Joes? How about queasy? Because I don't feel like spraying the walls with my vomit today.

My quinoa allergy/bad reaction/intolerance is so bad, that whenever I hear about quinoa, I start to feel bad.

It’s like the little tinkling bell of Pavlov, only it’s more like a demonic gut boil. Whatever that sounds like.

Fuck that noise.

Read about my terrible experiences with nature’s number one super grain here: Quinoa Can Suck It

All of our food is killing us while keeping us alive.

18 Apr

Fruits are genetically engineered.

Meat isn’t really meat anymore.

Dairy is mainly  mushed up hormones … that are artificial!

Anything cooked is like poison to your body.

What the fuck is wrong here?

All of this stuff I’m ingesting from food safety documentaries, the press, my friends, rings true … to a certain point. But enough is enough.

Fine. I’ll try to buy local produce, since apparently an apple isn’t really an apple after five days. Or I just think it seems silly to ship the same items back and forth.

And I’ve already got my husband eating meat from hippie farmers instead of the big, nasty name brands. Because I don’t want his balls to fall off.

And I’ll even make sure some food isn’t heated over 130 degrees, or what the fuck ever it is, so they maintain ultimate vitamin content. Or maybe just because I think they taste better raw.

But I can’t keep track of all of the food news anymore. I can’t keep comparing all of the warring scientific studies. And I’m not learned enough, unfortunately, and government-funded enough to run my own fucking experiments and grow my own crops.

So I try to be an educated consumer. But now I may be over saturated instead.

I do think it’s fucked up that buying a few pieces of fruit at the grocery store costs more than a fast food burger. There’s no excuse for that. I do think it’s strange that we get our vegetables from thousands of miles away. And I’m not wild about the fact that most of the food I eat has been dipped in bleach or is coated with some lab-created membrane (that I only recently found out about).

I’d provide you with all of the frightening links, but I’m kind of at a loss where to start.

I eat food to stay alive. That’s the real reason to eat. Despite how delicious food can be, it is meant to keep us breathing. However, much of today’s food also seems to be … I don’t want to say “killing us,” because we’d sooner die of starvation not eating it … not keeping us in as good of condition as we could be in.

And this angry (and hungry) little food blogger doesn’t even know how to start fixing this dilemma.

 

Yeah, I ate chia. No, I’m not proud of myself.

7 Feb

The famous pottery that grows is now the “it” snack. Chia seeds are supposedly high in protein, high in fiber, and not terrible when it comes to taste.

The other night, a good friend presented a bag of chia* to me and said that it was to be our dessert.

I was half intrigued and half scared. After all, my experiences with quinoa make me nervous about super healthy stuff.

But she poured some sweetened almond milk over the seeds and they soaked it up and turned into some tapioca-like substance. And truth be told, it wasn’t bad.

I would actually say it was good.

Although I kept half expecting a garden to grow in my mouth.

I had a Chia head when I was a teenager. Fucking thing attracted fruit flies like you wouldn’t believe. But I never ever thought of harvesting it and eating it (probably because I was too busy batting at flies). I also had a Chia herb garden that grew many herbs, however none of which were Chia. Fun side story, the garden was eaten by a cat named Spice.

Anyway, I ate chia for dessert. And I didn’t die.

Will I eat chia again? Perhaps I will. But I demand to eat it off of a ceramic animal next time.

 

*I have no idea when I’m supposed to capitalize the word or not. And I’m too damn lazy today to think about it any further.

Eat me.

I won’t even eat quinoa. I’m definitely not subjecting my dog to it.

10 Nov

Quinoa makes me throw up, and not in that I’m-joking-and-only-saying-it-makes-me-sick way. It literally makes me regurgitate.

I belong to a group of people who for whatever reason can’t tolerate the super-healthy proteins and amino acids in quinoa. I could get really scientific, but then I’d cease being funny. And if you aren’t funny, you aren’t shit.

Anyway, I received my daily doggie deal today and it was for quinoa cookies. Like hell I’m giving that shit to my baby puppy. He already vomits from eating mushrooms he roots up in the yard (he’s part truffle pig, I think). I certainly don’t want to find out that he’s allergic to quinoa by getting splashed with dog vomit.

And quinoa vomit is unlike any vomit you’ve ever experienced.

You can read the blog I previously posted about the evils of quinoa. But I’ll sum it up again. Thirty minutes after eating it, my stomach literally implodes to the size of a marble as everything I have recently eaten shoots out of my mouth like water from a pressure washer.

True story, last time I had the quinoa pukes, I removed a layer of porcelain from the toilet.

Does quinoa make dogs puke like it makes me puke? I'm not going to be the one to find out.

My Blue Mesa lunch made me blue.

27 Oct

It’s difficult to screw up a veggie wrap.

Right?

All you need to do is throw various veggies in a tortilla with some zingy sauce. That’s it.

Apparently not. Le sigh.

Today, I had a boxed lunch from Blue Mesa Grill featuring their veggie wrap. It’s described as a “roasted veggie wrap on a whole wheat tortilla.”

It was lettuce, corn, and sour cream. And it sure seemed like  a flour tortilla, but that’s not really a problem since I prefer flour to wheat.

Anyway, the entire thing was flavorless. And I’m really bummed about it. There were no roasted veggies. In fact, there were hardly any veggies.

You’re Blue Mesa! Throw in some peppers. Some onions. Some mushrooms.

And don’t use sour cream! Or if you do, a little salt is a good thing. But oil and vinegar would have been perfectly acceptable.

Ugh. This post is so boring. Perhaps because I found my lunch totally uninspiring.