If I had 30 days left to live, what would I do?

31 May

There’s a marquee near my house that asks what you’d do if you only had a month left to live.

And I’ve already written a piece about all the stuff I’d do that I was afraid to do because of reputation, disease, or unpredictable mortality. But after finishing I realized I forgot to mention all of the crap I’d eat.

That’s what Yummy Awesome is for!

If it were guaranteed that my heart would give out in a month, that I was only going to be on this planet for another 30 days, I would go on an eating binge.

After all, it isn’t like gorging on pies and candy would kill me. That would happen anyway.

So I’d eat pie for breakfast, and not just a slice. I’d devour a whole fucking pie for breakfast. Then I’d probably have one for lunch, too. I might fry one for dinner.

I’d get a cotton candy machine and just stuff fluff into my mouth for another day.

Fuck diabetes. It wouldn’t have time to kill me because my clock would already be ticking.

I’d eat cases of Lays Stax chips. And I’d go nuts with bread. Hell, I’d buy the grocery store’s entire stock of French baguettes and dine on those all damn day long.

All of the artificial, preservative-laden, processed crap that I try to stay away from would become my new staple. Who needs nutrients when you’ll be nothing in a month?

If I even bothered to look at a nutritional label, I’d laugh because it wouldn’t matter. Saturated, unsaturated. It’d all be the same. And it’d all be delicious.

I’d fry everything. Well, almost everything. But imagine fried brie. Or fried grapes. No, fuck that. Grapes are healthy. I don’t want them.

As much as I like beer, I’d probably give it up for high fructose syrup drinks. I might only drink soda from here ’til the end. Or those really fattening lattes as Starbucks that I see people getting all the time.

Imagine getting to eat whatever you want without consequence. Well, at least the consequence of long-term bad health. I imagine I’d have more than a few cases of diarrhea before the end. There’s no way my system won’t freak out a bit if it’s reintroduced to Little Debbie after a decade.

Oh man, if I had only a month to live, I wouldn’t go on some charitable pilgrimage to better the world. I’d just try to eat most of the planet.

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