St. Patrick’s Day isn’t Green Beer Day.

15 Mar

Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day! Except for those dipshits guzzling down green beer.

If you’re going to celebrate on Saturday, attend a parade, or pinch those who aren’t sporting shades of emerald, please don’t drink green beer.

Because there is nothing Irish about green beer.

Sure, dumping food coloring into your Bud Light may seem fun and cute. But it’s stupid. Because no self-respecting Irish person would even touch a green beer.

In fact, when I spent an actual St. Patrick’s Day in actual Ireland, there was no such thing as green beer. Such an atrocity would have ended with a person being beaten with a shillelagh and shoved into the paddy wagon.

So this Saturday, shun the tasteless, artificially colored piss water known as American Lager and enjoy something truly Irish. Here, I’ll give you some beers to order at the bar/restaurant while you’re throwing beads at people like it’s Mardi Gras.

Irish Beers to Drink in Lieu of Green American Lagers:

  • Guinness. It’s the go-to Irish beer. Dark, malty, delicious.
  • Harp Lager. It’s lighter, so you beer drinkers who don’t really like beer (Coors, Miller, and Budweiser drinkers) might actually like it. Bonus, it’s real beer, unlike Coors, Miller, and Budweiser.
  • Murphy’s Stout. Like Guinness, but sweeter and lighter. There’s a hint of chocolate (mmm) and coffee.
  • Smithwick’s Red Ale. Pronounced smid-icks. Don’t you dare say smith-wicks. You’ll get punched, and deservedly so.
  • Kilkenny Cream Ale. Sweet, creamy, and mild. It’s pretty, too.

So there you have it–five ways to look less douchey as you paint yourself green and stumble around on the streets celebrating whatever-the-fuck it is you celebrate on St. Patrick’s Day. (And for those of you not blessed with Irish Blood, it’s when St. Patrick brought Christianity to Ireland.)

Drink this and make St. Patrick sad.

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