“Potable Calorie Bombs” or “No Shit, Sherbet”

17 Nov

I just came across an article about the top ten holiday drinks to avoid based on calories and fat.

And my response is basically: Uh … how about all of them?

Because if you’re a functioning human being, you should know even the basics about calories and fat and what makes your heart clog. And you should know that pretty  much everything that tastes good and sweet is terrible for you.

Cookies are fucking fantastic, and are therefor bad for you. Twix bars are heavenly, and will kill you before you wrinkle. Ice cream deserves a shrine, but it will turn you into a fat, gooey mountain.

So DUH! If you’re sucking down a double egg nog latte with chocolate shavings and extra whipped cream, you’re basically drinking a boiled ice cream sundae … which is fattening!

Save yourself the time and just eat a scoop of shortening, you idiot fuck.

To pretend that any frothy, foamy holiday drink is any different from a melted milkshake is telling yourself a fucking lie.

It’s as if the straw magically makes it healthy. But the straw doesn’t magically make it healthier! If anything, it makes you more pathetic. BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO GODDAMN LAZY TO CHEW!

This shit makes me so mad. Do we really have to tell people that something called the Pumpkin Pie Shake will definitely be loaded with fat? IT’S CALLED A FUCKING PUMPKIN PIE SHAKE! Pumpkin pie is fattening! I fucking love pie, I love it more than anybody, and I know that crust (butter and flour), pie filling (sugar and sugar and sugar) are on the get-bigger-pants-now list.

It’s the old joke about the person at the McDonald’s counter who orders a Big Mac, fries, Super Sizes it, then gets a Diet Coke. You’re not fooling anyone except for yourself.

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