Something is wrong. I don’t want candy.

1 Nov

Yesterday was Halloween. In other words, THE GREATEST FUCKING DAY EVER.

Because on Halloween, it’s perfectly acceptable to be a grown-ass grownup and gorge on sweets until you pass out in a heap of wrappers.

In fact, it’s expected. Parents have told me they go through their kids candy after the little ones go to sleep and take out their favorites. Other homeowners have divulged that they buy the better candy with hopes that they get hardly any trick-or-treaters, so they can keep it all to themselves. And all of the best candies are so conveniently packaged in tiny bite-size form, just so you can snack on them throughout the day.

So why did a sugar-addicted, candy-craving, chocoholic like me dump the entire contents of my candy bowl into the pillow cases of ten teenagers? Without stashing at least a handful in a nearby drawer first?

I don’t know.

This year, I just wan’t into all of the candy. At least not this week. Last week, all I wanted were tiny Twix bars, itty bitty Snickers, and a stash of Wint-o-Green Lifesavers.

But on Halloween? It all just looked like crap to me.

Even today! I know I should be noshing on nougat and chewing on caramels. But I don’t want them. I have no desire to snack on suckers or put dents in Dum-Dums. As the people around me enjoy the saccharine perks of office candy jars and tables covered in leftover treats, I just hide in front of my computer and wait for my salty lunch.

This is not right. Am I fucking dying?



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