The Dessert Doctor is hard on bad desserts.

17 Oct

The Dessert Doctor knows more about confections and cookies than Julia Child, Martha Stewart, and Paula Deen combined in a blender with a sack of sugar. Here’s his latest contribution to our humble blog.


Eating dessert at lunch releases work-day stress by focusing anxious energy on weight gain.  This is equally frustrating, so I have created a way to remove shitty desserts from the world while simultaneously relieving work anxiety.  It involves the repulsive Ginger Snap Cookie…


When concerning the matter of dessert, the Dessert Doctor does not want to bite into anything hard.  In fact, I believe we should do away with the word hard all together.  I have always disliked hard classes.  I disdain hard times.  Hard headed individuals bring me immense frustration.  The worst relationships…?  Hard.  In fact, the majority of dysfunctional relationships involve an inciting incident prompted by a certain hard piece of anatomy.


On the contrary, the Dessert Doctor prefers a light touch on the palate and the smooth existence of flexibility.  I enjoy soft-hearted individuals.  When buying contacts, I reach for soft lenses.  My favorite pillows possess an unmistakable fluff.  I prefer soft rock music, supple breasts, and the gentle sound of rain.  Most importantly, I prefer soft cookies and moist cake.  If any hard matter enters my sacred sweet-toothed mouth, it will be crunchy and deep fried.


And since pre-packaged Ginger Snap cookies violate my pliable life test, I destroy them by beating them into crumbly submission.  I then gather the pebbles and scatter them throughout the office to release all work-day tension!


I am the Dessert Doctor and if you are in need of an instant stress reliever and share my disdain for hard sweets, purchase one package of Ginger Snap cookies.  Shatter half of the box during rush hour.  Sprinkle the dust in your boss’s office, and repeat the process til your frustration subsides.


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