What does a bad lychee taste like?

29 Aug

My husband had never eaten a lychee before.

He didn’t even know what they looked like, so when he brought one back from the buffet line (our first clue that these lychees were bad), he asked me if I knew what it was.

Of course I did, and I couldn’t wait for him to have it. Lychees are usually so good and so sweet. And when you love someone, as I love the King of Awesome, you want that person to eat tasty food. Right?

Anyway, the lychee wasn’t good. It was far from good. But my husband’s reaction was glorious. He made a disgusted face and leaned in close so I could hear him. He whispered, “I feel like a dude just came in my mouth.”

I about died I started laughing so hard. Then he let ‘er rip. In between gasps for air and wiping tears from my eyes, I managed to write a few of his choice comments down. Enjoy.

-It tastes like prison.

-Why would you give me this spooge fruit! [Note: I didn’t.]

-It even looks like a shaved testical.

-Wow. I feel like I was just in a porn.

-Oh god. That smells like sex.

-Why is there a nut inside? Oh, because there’s nut inside.

-If you ate four of these, it would be considered bukaki.

-If you jizzed on a fruit, it STILL wouldn’t taste like jizz as much as this fruit.

-Ugh, I’ve got fruit sperm in my mouth now.

 

So, yeah. You can venture a guess at what a bad lychee taste like.

 

"Tastes like I've been to prison."

 

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8 Responses to “What does a bad lychee taste like?”

  1. tara August 30, 2011 at 12:19 PM #

    So, I have seen this weirdness in the frozen yogurt places. Now, after this, I’m out. I am never trying them.

    T

    • Queen of Awesome August 30, 2011 at 1:05 PM #

      Glad we can terrorize you into not trying new things.

  2. Cari Irvin October 11, 2011 at 12:12 PM #

    HAHAHA…. I just happened to have had a bad Lychee (my first one ever), and I thought, Why on earth would anyone want to eat these? But your blog made me laugh, and it was GREAT!!! 🙂

  3. Bicoid Babe October 30, 2011 at 4:02 PM #

    So that’s why those lychee flavored Kasugai Gummies smelled like sex and strawberries…

  4. Ronda July 17, 2013 at 1:45 PM #

    So its really salty and is uncomfortable when you swallow?

  5. Ashley February 2, 2015 at 8:37 AM #

    King awesome sounds like he’s well versed in the taste of ejaculate….

    • Aaaaa August 30, 2016 at 7:12 PM #

      I was thinking that exact thing!!!

  6. GrohlPatrol January 12, 2017 at 3:40 AM #

    hahahaha this is the best thing I’ve read all day

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