My refrigerator and I are assholes.

21 Aug

When I was in college, I was a bit of a sadist. Every day, my evil friends and I would eat lunch near the soft serve machine just because we knew it periodically sprayed people with sugary milk.


Well, my jerk tendencies have continued with my new refrigerator.


Let me start by saying that this is the first refrigerator I’ve ever owned. And while on the way to Best Buy to get it, I threw self control out of the car window. I purchased the sexiest fridge you can buy (and you know you’re an adult when you think an appliance is sexy), the LG Orgasm (not really what it’s called, obviously). I wanted to lick it. I wanted to fill it with watermelons. I wanted to climb inside of it with a cherry pie and commit sugary, sloppy suicide (and i’d fit inside, too, perhaps with a few pies).


It has a tuck-away shelf to accommodate tall items like wine bottles and tiered desserts. It has French doors, which let’s your inner fat kid sing because you must open two doors at once while gazing into the LED lights. Oh my god, and it has LED LIGHTS! Why the fuck do I need LED lights in my fridge? I don’t, but I can never go back to conventional fridge bulbs.


But the best part didn’t reveal itself until a week later. The water dispenser. It’s unlike any fridge water dispenser I’ve ever seen.


Which means it’s unlike any water dispenser anyone else has seen.


Countless friends try to get a glass of water and end up getting sprayed squirt-gun style because they always put their glass in the wrong spot.


And I can never quite warn them in time. I’m not really sure how, to tell you the truth.


“Put your glass under the thing that looks like a clitoris” only confuses the men.


“Hold your glass in front the plate” only gets people to look at me strangely while they spray water all over themselves and the kitchen, resulting in them looking at the fridge and then doing the exact same thing.


“Let me show you …” never works, because everyone thinks they know how to pour water. And people are far too impulsive to wait ten seconds for me to warn them anyway.


I’ve tried shouting, “Careful, she’s a squirter,” too, but that just makes me look like a bigger pervert then I already am (although, admit it, the sprayer kind of looks like a robot clit).


Oh well. Despite me having to keep a towel by the fridge, I always die laughing in my head when my friends stand dumbfounded as water drips all over their hands, their shoes, and my floor.


Small price to pay for comedy.


Lightly tough the nub near the top. Oh yeah. That's the spot.


One Response to “My refrigerator and I are assholes.”


  1. LG Refrigerator Model LFX31925ST Can Suck My Ass Through a Flaming Straw. | - September 12, 2015

    […] The water dispenser was funny. […]

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