Would I feel bad stabbing it to death?

24 Feb

Vegetarian. Ovatarian. Lacto-tarian. Pescatarian.

Whatever. I’m tired of these labels. Because none of them truly describe my omnivorous nature.

So from now on, I’ll refer to myself as a could-I-stab-it-to-death-atarian.

What is a could-I-stab-it-to-death-atarian? I’m so glad you asked.

Before eating something, anything, I ask myself the following question about each one of the ingredients:

Could I live with myself after stabbing ___ to death?

For example, I can’t make myself eat cows. They have very sweet eyes and I just couldn’t bear to stab one to death. And watch those large, brown orbs go dim.

A shrimp, on the other hand, I could stab to death. Because they’re small and ugly and taste really freaking good with cocktail sauce.

A pig? No, I couldn’t stab a pig to death. They’re charming. Plus the squealing would haunt me Tell-Tale-Heart style.

A mushroom? Give me the nearest pointy thing to stab it with.

An octopus? Hell, no I couldn’t stab an octopus to death. I wouldn’t. They’re freaking smart. On “Nova: Science Now” the other night, one unscrewed a jar! A freaking cephalopod figured out how to unscrew a jar. If I stabbed an octopus, other octopi would seek me out. And then unscrew my head.

A lasagna? Let’s break it down. Pasta (eggs and flour) = Yes. Tomato sauce (pending there’s no chicken broth) = Yes. Olives = Yes. As long as no creatures on my list of can’t-stab-to-death items is in it, I’ll eat it.

Unless, of course, it contains peas. Although I’d gladly stab them to a squishy, gooey death, I’d never eat them. Because peas are disgusting.

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7 Responses to “Would I feel bad stabbing it to death?”

  1. Jakethy February 25, 2011 at 7:08 AM #

    Yeah, that term’s a bit of a mouthful, but my plastic co-writers and I like it. ‘May start using it in social gatherings if we have to resort to any kind of label. Personally, I like the idea that before you ever eat another animal, you first have to look one of its kind in the eyes. Wouldn’t work on everybody, but I think it’d thin out the herd a little (pardon the phrase).

    • Queen of Awesome February 25, 2011 at 5:58 PM #

      Thanks, Jakethy. I’m working hard to spread could-I-stab-it-to-death-atarianism. Perhaps I’ll start a cult. You and your molded counterparts are welcome to join.

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