Rise of the (Bread) Machines

14 Feb

"I'll be baked."

It’s no secret that I’ve been battling my evil bread machine for the last two months.


And by “battling,” I mean it’s been kicking my ass. With steel toed boots on. And not in the ass, but in the face.


My every attempt at a fluffy, tasty loaf of bread resulted in a big fat FUCK YOU from the machine. The loaves, despite modifying ingredients to correlate with the temperature/humidity of my kitchen (yeah, I got Bill Nye on that bitch) were always sad, saggy, and deflated.


This can only mean one thing. My Oster was sent from the future to destroy me. And it nearly did.


But this weekend, I gave a bit fat FUCK YOU right back to the bread machine. I baked a loaf of bread the old fashioned way, sans machine. And the results were optimal. The bread rose, rose some more, and baked to perfection.


While the Oster T800 sat unused in a corner.


So sometime in the near future, I might throw it into a pool of molten metal and watch it dissolve. And I’m going to eat a sandwich made from my home baked bread and laugh as it’s glowing eyes sink below the surface.

It smells like victory.




3 Responses to “Rise of the (Bread) Machines”

  1. Craig February 14, 2011 at 11:17 AM #

    Skynet makes a mean waffle iron though.


  1. You may have won this round, vending machine. « - June 14, 2011

    […] is it with these machines? I think they’re all in cahoots (with the coffee machine and the bread machine leading the ranks). They’re all hell-bent on driving humans crazy so they can take over and […]

  2. I made homemade pretzels. Meanwhile, the bread machine rots in Hell. « - October 3, 2011

    […] since I sort of have a history with bread making. But I had to keep reminding myself that when I dropped the evil bread machine, making bread was a stress free […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: