A Tale of Spiders and Kale

9 Feb

I love kale. I think it’s tasty and no doubt super healthy for you.

But I haven’t bought it, touched it, or eaten it in over two years.

Because twice when I brought a bushel of the green stuff home, I would find a spider.

And I’m terrified of spiders. Terrified. We’re talking a fear that literally paralyzes me. My fear of spiders rivals my love of pie.

I digress.

The first time I encountered a spider in my veg (ha), I was washing my kale in the sink. And the spider fell out of the leaves onto the stainless steel in a little, crumpled mass. Then he (assuming it was a guy) stretched out and tried to make an escape. I sprayed him with a jet of water while screaming and reaching for the disposal switch.

Then I ground up all of the kale and changed my dinner plans.

The second time, I washed the shit out of that kale. Without touching it at first. Then I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. No spiders were seen. So I cooked the kale and topped it with plum vinegar. After a few bites, there at the end of my fork in a little blanket of green was a very discolored, very dead spider.

I vomited. And then tossed the kale out.

I’ve tried to buy it several times since then. But I just can’t. Because I know lurking in the produce section is a horde of icky arachnids just waiting to touch my skin. In fact, the kale has ruined me from shopping for other leafy greens. I usually wait for my husband to search through that section while I stick to safer things like apples and bananas (although I’ve never told him that … secret’s out now), things that are easily searched.

It’s a shame. I really enjoyed kale. And I miss it. But I don’t miss it enough to risk my sanity again.

I prefer my kale without the added protein.



2 Responses to “A Tale of Spiders and Kale”

  1. genlpublicspeaks June 12, 2013 at 8:26 PM #

    Just found one in my kale from whole foods. It was light brown with eyes that wiggled. I tried to kill it but it jumped away

  2. Elizabeth Forbes Wallace June 12, 2013 at 9:20 PM #

    I just found a spider, large, light brown in my kale from Whole Foods. He jumped away before I could smash him. So he’s lurking somewhere here. Looks like a brown recluse but maybe that’s my paranoia. What did your spiders look like? Hope mine is not a pregnant she.

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