I am defeated. My bread is deflated.

14 Jan

UPDATE: Many people find this post by searching for “deflated bread.” Well, it isn’t you. It’s the machine. After several failed attempts at fluffy bread using a machine, I tried making it the old fashion way: sans machine. It was easy and my bread rose like a flower towards the sun. Nix the machine and all will be fine.

***

How fucking hard is it to cook fucking bread?

Yes, bread.

I used a boxed recipe my first time. All I had to do was add water. And the bread collapsed.

So I got flour. And followed the recipe to the T.

And ended up going to the the emergency room on Christmas Eve (the clinics had closed) because the rock-hard crust deflected my knife into my finger.

After a week of regrowing. I later had to cut the flap off. Ew.

Loaves three, four, and five all collapsed onto themselves. Even after I added flour (suggested by the manufactured), then changed flour (also recommended by the machine’s booklet), and then added more yeast (booklet again).

Fail. Fail. Fail.

Attempt six had me subtracting water.

That was the worst collapse yet. And now the bread is gummy and wet, which makes NO SENSE on fucking earth because you’d think less water would equal drier bread.

 

I keep making what I've learned to call "cat bread."

Am I taking crazy pills?

After googling and searching and pleaing with the bread gods, I found one thread where some guy named Tom has been through the same insane trip I’ve been through.

And he tried less yeast. And he says it worked.

So as soon as the burn marks heal, and the pride rebuilds, and I make some kick ass bread pudding out of my failures, I’ll try again.

Because I’ll be goddamned if a fucking bread machine is going to get the best of me … a seventh time.

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2 Responses to “I am defeated. My bread is deflated.”

  1. Tara January 14, 2011 at 3:47 PM #

    NIce

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. I made homemade pretzels. Meanwhile, the bread machine rots in Hell. « - October 3, 2011

    […] debated making them for about two weeks since I sort of have a history with bread making. But I had to keep reminding myself that when I dropped the evil bread machine, making bread was a […]

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