The Sugar Collision

1 Nov

What happens to a person after eating 110 pieces of candy in one day?

I can tell you from experience that whatever happens isn’t good.

At first, my sugary breakfast wasn’t terrible. But the malted milk balls quickly became a bad idea. I was probably drinking a cup of tea for every seven pieces of candy.

Which my guts didn’t quite appreciate. I’ll spare you the details of that.

But eating candy steadily throughout the day wasn’t too difficult after that (especially once I decided to stick to hard candies as opposed to things of nougat or chocolate or licorice).

After hours of this, I had to take a bit of a break. No one’s mouth is equipped to deal with razor-sharp sugar candy for hours and hours and hours.

Come seven o’clock at night, I was starting to experience the mother of all sugar crashes.

Forget the three o’clock slump during the work day. The midnight yawn telling you it’s time to leave the bar. Even the irritability most people get when their morning cup of caffeine works its way out of the blood.

No, this sugar crash was an implosion. A collision. A KO punch to my brain and extremities.

While attempting to refuel at Freebird’s with a vegetarian burrito, I could barely order because of the nonstop yawning. Walking back to the car took more mental agility than diffusing a bomb. Even a simple text message made this writer want to tear up.

So I did what I had to do.

I ate more candy.

My final two pieces were a miniature Snickers and a bite-size Twix. I ate them and a short two hours later, I sugar collapsed into bed. Where I soundly slept—without waking up three or four times like I usually do—throughout the night.

I’d take a candy before an Ambien any night.

There are four food groups in there. Trust me.

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