Attack of the Roast Beast Sandwich.

13 Oct

Yesterday I came home to find the monstrosity pictured below inside my apartment.

The King Kong of fast food sandwiches had squeezed its cheesy, meaty self through the tiny crack between my door and the wall. And then it met my cat, Monkey.

I wish I could say she tore the greasy intruder to death but that would be a lie. An avid carnivore and predator extraordinaire, even she didn’t know what to do with this freak of food. Who knows how long she sat like this, embroiled in a tense game of cat-and-roast beef.

If anyone was going to put an end to the Beast’s reign of terror, it would have to be me. I warily picked it up by one corner, afraid that even its paper existence might cause immediate heart failure. Only under the harsh fluorescent kitchen lighting, did I dare take a closer look.

It wasn’t scary. It was just gross. I could see the dried pores of its bready complexion. See the plastic-y texture of its fake cheddar cheese sauce. See the veins of fat snake across its flesh. See the grease stain it left on my carpet.

The worst part (yes, even worse than the ridiculous “whoo-hoo” tagline) was the “buy one, get one free” promotion on the back. Oh goody – two heart attacks for the price of one.

Arby’s, if you can’t make a better sandwich (and I don’t think you can), at least hire a decent food photographer. Better yet, don’t enlarge it 500%. I assure you, actual size is terrifying enough

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3 Responses to “Attack of the Roast Beast Sandwich.”

  1. Media October 13, 2010 at 11:11 PM #

    HAHAHAHA MONKEY, YOU’VE BEEN TRAINED TO KILL BETTER THAN THAT!!! DO I HAVE TO UPGRADE THE SIZE OF YOUR FAKE MICES??

  2. Queen of Awesome October 14, 2010 at 2:44 PM #

    Does it bother anyone else that the phrase “Beef ‘n Cheddar” has an error?

    Unless, of course, they are trying to say “Beef in Cheddar” as opposed to “Beef and Cheddar,” which would require another apostrophe after the “n.”

    Although after looking at this sandwich, perhaps the cheddar is stuffed with beef.

    • DirtyCanadian October 14, 2010 at 5:04 PM #

      There are a LOT of things that bother me about this flyer. But yeah, that’s definitely one of them. Clearly they weren’t going for quality – of sandwich or communication.

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