This is the meanest fucking cookie in the world.

30 Sep

I saw this cookie in Whole Foods and my heart immediately started pounding. I was scared of it. No, terrified.

I felt like it wanted to stab me for even looking at it. No, worse. It was going to hold me hostage, make me give it all my money, become enraged when I didn’t have any,  and murder my cat RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES. Then it was going to stab me.

Jesus. What the fuck happened to make you so pissed off? Were you abandoned? Beaten? Bullied as a child? I didn’t think so. You’re a cookie. And by nature, supposed to make people smile and feel warm and cozy. Not fear for their lives. I know it’s Halloween and everything is all witchy and twisted. But if you walk around like this, people are going to think you have a razor blade hidden inside you. Or are laced with cyanide. Who fucking baked you anyway? SATAN?

Maybe you just had a bad day. Heck, I can relate. But you better fucking snap out of it or I’ll give you something to be pissed about. Like biting your angry fucking face in half.

There. Now I’m happy and you’re only half as mean. Unless you really are laced with cyanide. Then I guess I’m dead. Fuck.

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5 Responses to “This is the meanest fucking cookie in the world.”

  1. Chad September 30, 2010 at 8:21 PM #

    That very same cookie–maybe it was the non-bitten half?–hit my dog with rocks!

    • DirtyCanadian September 30, 2010 at 8:34 PM #

      Gasp! No. How horrible. I told you it was the meanest cookie in the world. It’s probably made with sharks’ balls.

  2. SugarSlutt September 30, 2010 at 8:32 PM #

    HAHAHHA!!! Now look at you biting people’s faces off!!! Steve will be so proud…

    • DirtyCanadian September 30, 2010 at 8:33 PM #

      Who do you think fucking taught me that dirty little trick?

      • CalNino October 4, 2010 at 9:44 PM #

        I hope there was some soap in that cookie, because you have a major case of the fucking potty mouth, young lady.

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