If you want Coke, go to Mexico.

29 Sep

Don’t look at me at that. You know it’s true. If you want Coke, REAL Coke that is, you have to go to Mexico.

You see, in Mexico, Coke is still made with real sugar. Not that fucking thick, syrupy gunk they use in the US. (Fine, and probably Canada, too.) Oh. You thought I was talking about cocaine.  Fuck no, I could get deported for that shit. Although, if the rumors are true a bottle of Coca-Cola did at one time contain 9mg of cocaine. Judging by the world’s collective addiction to the sugary, fizzy drink, it seems it still might have some traces in there. Although, I wouldn’t recommend snorting it to find out. Ouch.

But seriously, you have no idea what The Real Thing is until you’ve had a Coke from Mexico. In fact, that tagline should be Lo real. (Pardon my probably incorrect, pasted from an online translator, Spanish.) It’s refreshing and satisfying like nothing else in the world. And it certainly beats the fuck out of any high-fructose corn syrup.

If I knew who made this switch, I would punch them in the guts. Actually no, I would make them chug a gallon of their own high-fructose death syrup. Then I would punch them in the guts. Honestly.”Hey, let’s switch out this perfectly good, naturally delicious sweetener for this disgusting, oil-thick brown sludge. Maybe no one will notice. Who cares if they do? They’ll still buy it.”

Ummmmmmm, I don’t fucking think so. You know what I do think? That high-fructose corn syrup should be declared an illegal substance. And anyone found pushing it, possessing it or consuming it should be arrested. And sent to jail with Lyndsay Lohan and Paris Hilton. Fuck yeah. Extreme? Perhaps. But I see it as an extreme crime against deliciousness. And probably just as harmful in the long run as its illegal namesake.

Go to Mexico. Drink a Coke. NOT A DIET COKE. Then let out a gigantic belch and try to convince yourself that it isn’t heaven bottled up in a recycled old-timey glass bottle. If Mexico is too far, just go to Home Depot. That’s where I found this one.


2 Responses to “If you want Coke, go to Mexico.”

  1. Queen of Awesome September 29, 2010 at 1:34 PM #

    Well that’s all I needed to see.

    I’m officially booking a trip to Mexico.

    I’m going to inhale Coke down there.

    Yes, I know how that sounds.

    • DirtyCanadian October 1, 2010 at 12:32 AM #

      If I remember correctly, you can also get Mexican Coke at Central Market.

      It might be closer.

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