Artificial Sweetener, Plastic Surgery for Your Food!

27 Jul

Splenda. Equal. Sween ‘n’ Low.

They can all go to a sugary hell as far as I’m concerned.

Because not only do they taste terrible, they’re awful awful lies.

Give me granulated sweetness. Give me white sugar, brown sugar. Give me the tinted Sugar in the Raw chunks that make my cookies and candies so much sweeter.

Give me honesty.

I’m not afraid of the empty calories that sugar dumps into my blood. I’m afraid of the deceptiveness of engineered flakes. White as snow and as phony as a new face on an old body.

Artificial sweeteners remind me of cosmetic surgery. Because what you see isn’t what you get. Oh, sure. It looks pretty now. But in a few years, it will all unravel.

Start to sag. Crack.

So please don’t assume I want fake sugar, diet cokes, no-cal syrup. Because I do want sugar. In all of my sweets that would normally require sugar.

After all, I like truth in food.


4 Responses to “Artificial Sweetener, Plastic Surgery for Your Food!”


  1. If you want Coke, go to Mexico. « - September 29, 2010

    […] to Mexico. Drink a coke. NOT A DIET COKE. Then let out a gigantic belch and try to convince yourself that it isn’t heaven bottled up […]

  2. Hoggin’ the Häagen Dazs. « - December 7, 2010

    […] mentioned before that I don’t like fake foods. Or fake sugars. Or weird substitutes that get added when fat is […]

  3. Texans love sweet tea. I don’t. « - June 20, 2011

    […] one of those high-fallutin’ fake sugar users (which I’m not, but drinking an unsweet beverage is a foreign concept to Sweet Tea […]

  4. In honor of 3/14, pie-flavored gum. « - March 14, 2012

    […] I try to stay away from artificial sweeteners because, you know, they’re artificial. But I couldn’t resist trying Apple Pie gum by Extra Dessert Delights (what a fucking stupid name, by the way). […]

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